


Hey there, angel

by fridaysfun



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Caring Magnus Bane, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Malec, Protective Magnus Bane, SHTV, Shadowhunters - Freeform, alec hurting himself (not suicide), emotional Alec lightwood, magnus and alec - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-30 01:00:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15085577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fridaysfun/pseuds/fridaysfun
Summary: After his fight with Magnus, Alec decides to train and practice archery, ending up hurting himself.Going back to trusting each other, sharing insecurities and opening up might be a bigger struggle than they thought.





	1. Chapter 1

“Alec” Jace says coming closer to him.

Alec has been shooting arrows for almost two hours to nowhere, hurting his hands badly. He is mad at himself. _How could he say those things to Magnus?_ It was three days ago when downworlders, seelies and vampires attacked the institute. A lot of innocent shadowhunters died, Clary and Izzy, as many others, got hurt and Alec couldn't help but feel guilty. _Guilty, because he dated Magnus Bane, the high warlock of Brooklyn, a downworlder._

Magnus was trying to call him all day but Alec couldn’t answer. He didn’t want to. Because he knew that he would say things he’d regret. The attack wasn’t Magnus’ fault. Of course, it wasn’t, but Alec was the head of the institute and he couldn’t hear all these people say that to his boyfriend, a downworlder.

He trusted Magnus, he knew that he had absolutely nothing to do with it, but he couldn’t help it. Magnus visited him that night after the attack but Alec was worried about his sister, he was blaming himself. If he wasn’t dating Magnus, the downworlders wouldn’t attack the institute and everyone would be alive.

He remembers himself telling Magnus that _the thing_ between them couldn’t work out, that they had to break up, _that he is a downworlder_. Magnus was hurt but he _tried_. He really tried. He was telling Alec that he didn’t have to do this, that they had to be together because this is what they both wanted. The moment Magnus touched Alec’s shoulder, Alec broke down.

He shouted at him, telling him that it was his fault. That if he wasn’t dating a warlock- _the high warlock of Brooklyn_ , nothing of all these would have happened.

And then Magnus asked Alec if he thought he was behind the attack.

And he stayed silent.

He didn’t say a word.

 

“Alec, stop” he hears Jace’s voice as he shoots another arrow to the wall.

“Go to sleep Jace, it’s late” Alec’s voice is deep, his eyes are red.

“No, _we_ will go to sleep. Come on, Alec” Jace tries to convince him but he already knows how stubborn Alec is. He knows that he will spend the night, hurting himself.

“Leave me alone, Jace” Alec shooted another arrow. His blood is all over the bow and his own hands now.

“Stop hurting yourself, Alec! It wasn’t your fault!” Jace shouted and Alec got even madder that he was.

“But it was! It was my fault! They attacked us because they hate us, Jace! And that’s because I was dating their leader!” he almost screamed, his eyes are still watery.

“Listen to me, Alec. It wasn’t your fault! They hated us even when you weren’t dating Magnus, long before you have even met him! So you come inside now, sleep and tomorrow you’ll talk to him and fix things between us” he comes close to him and watches Alec breathing deeply.

 

“He won’t let me talk to him” is the only thing he says. His voice is calm now.

“He will. He loves you and he will understand, trust me” Jace smiles but Alec stays silent.

 

“Go, Jace. Leave me alone” he breaks the silence after a few minutes and pulls away from him.

“No, Alec, you have to—”

 _“Please”_ he almost begs him to leave turning away so Jace can’t see he is crying.

“Fine, I’ll go. But please stop hurting yourself. You don’t deserve it” he touches Alec’s shoulder before he leaves him on the balcony alone.

Alec takes a deep breath, he cannot hold his tears anymore. He is crying but he continues. He continues shooting arrows, breaking things, punching things, even punching himself for the rest of the night.

 

* * *

 

 

Catarina is at Magnus’ for at least three hours as he needs company more than he ever did before. Magnus looks awful today. It is the fourth day he hasn’t spoken to Alec and it kills him. The day of the attack, the day Alec shouted at him and told him these horrible things, he was mad. He wasn’t mad _at_ _Alec_ , but he was mad. He felt disappointed that he gave him the chance. The chance of letting him show him that he’s different. He thought Alec was different, but now he doubts it. Everyone eventually thinks that Magnus is an _evil_ downworlder.

“We can still go out for a drink if you want” Catarina recommends but Magnus doesn’t want to. He was going out all his life, but now he doesn’t feel like it.  
  
“We’re fine here” he replies and Cat rolls her eyes.  
  
“You know that you can call him right? I know it was his fault but you should still try to contact him” she suggests and Magnus turns to her, looking angry.

“It wasn’t his fault” he stands up for him.

“But it was. He thinks that you were behind that damn attack!” Cat shouts and Magnus sighs deeply, staying silent.

 _He really thinks that?_ Magnus is wondering. _Of course, he does._

Alec really thought that. How could he ever think that? He knows Magnus, more than everyone. He knows that he would never approve an attack, and _especially_ at the institute.

His phone starts ringing leaving his thoughts out of his mind. _Alec?_ He grabs his phone and it’s not him.

“Hello?” he asks.

“Magnus, hey. It’s Izzy” he hears the worried voice of Alec’s sister.

“Hi, uhm— is everything okay?” he asks holding the phone tightly, starting to get worried himself.  
  
“Yeah, no. I mean— thank God you asked that. Can you come over?” he asks him, her voice is trembling.  
_Something is wrong with Alec._

“What is it, Isabelle?”  
  
“Alec is hurt. Don’t worry, he’s okay— but, yesterday night he was hurting himself. I don’t know what happened. Can you please come over? I’ll tell you everything as soon as you’re here” she is speaking quickly not even letting herself breathe for a moment.

 _Alec is hurt._  
  
Magnus hangs up. He needs to get there as soon as possible.  
  
“Cat, I need to leave. Portal yourself home” he tells her and she nods. She knows something bad happened but she can’t ask now. Magnus looks shook and she has to let him go wherever he has to go.

 

* * *

 

After Alec fell asleep, Jace and Izzy got out of his room. They still can’t believe what happened.

“Stupid Alec!” Jace says running his hand through his blond hair angrily.

“Stop, Jace. This isn’t helping” Izzy tries to comfort Jace and herself. But he is right. _Stupid big brother!_

“How could he do this, Iz? He hates himself doesn’t he?” Jace asks and Izzy stays silent.

Nobody knows when Alec is happy, mad or sad. Nobody can make him open up and ask for help. Nobody except Magnus. Magnus was the only person Alec wanted to talk to, to show his feelings. But yesterday Magnus _wasn’t_ there.

“I hope he doesn’t” is the only thing she says breaking the silence.

After a few minutes, Magnus is here. He finds Alec’s siblings and he stands next to them now. He hasn’t been so scared in his entire life.

“Where’s Alec? What happened?” he asks, his heart is racing.

“He’s sleeping. He is fine now” Izzy starts talking taking his hand in hers.

“I found him last night in the training room. He was hurt, his chest and hands were in blood. He fainted and I called for help—” she adds but Magnus stops her.  
  
“What did he do?” he asks feeling useless, feeling awful that he wasn’t there last night.

“I assume his hands were hurt because of archery. He cut his chest with a blade” Izzy’s eyes are watery as she speaks.  
  
“ _He cut his chest_?”

 “Yeah. I didn’t know what to do, Magnus. I called for help and nurses came to move him. He has been taken to his bedroom and I think they gave him sleeping pills. He hasn’t slept for at least two days and he was exhausted” is the last thing she says before she starts crying.

“Why didn’t he use an _iratze_?” Magnus asks but Izabelle shakes his head and now Jace speaks.

“He can’t. The law says that if someone faints, he is so weak he can’t even use an _iratze_ ” Jace explains Magnus nods. Yes, he has heard this before but he didn’t know if it was actually true. _The stupid law_ , he thinks, but he understands that he’s wrong. _Of course, it might kill him_. And now he has to be healed with the _mundane_ way.  
  
“Why didn’t you call me? Why did you leave him do that to himself?” Magnus is shouting at that moment, making Izzy cry even more.

“We didn’t know Magnus! Do you think that if we knew we wouldn’t have done something?” she shouts too but Jace pulls her closer so he can face Magnus better.

“I saw him last night” Jace says.  
  
“ _What?!”_ Magnus and Izzy ask at the same time.

“I saw him in the roof. He was shooting arrows and he was mad. We talked but he didn’t let me help. He wanted to stay alone and I let him vent his frustration. I thought it was the right thing to do” he confesses and Magnus sighs, breathing angrily.

“I was my fault, I know. I just didn’t think that things would go like this!” he adds and Izzy nods, not saying anything. She couldn’t blame Jace but she was mad anyway.

“Can I go in?” Magnus asks and both of them turn to look at him.  
  
“You can, but he will be sleeping for at least sixteen hours” Izzy replies but Magnus doesn’t care. He feels so lost right now, he just needs to see him.

“It’s okay” he answers.

“You can go home Magnus, we will call you as soon as he wakes up” Jace recommends but Magnus shakes his head.

“No, I’ll stay with Alec.”

 

* * *

 

Magnus gets into Alec’s room and he sees him lying in bed, sleeping peacefully. He smiles at himself wondering how dreamy his angel looks. He gets closer, breathing calmly. Alec’s chest is naked and the only thing Magnus can see is the bandages. Huge bandages over the wounds. _How could he hurt himself?_

His hands must be hurt too but the bandages are way smaller. Magnus’ eyes start to get watery because of that view. _How could he do that?_

Magnus takes Alec’s hand in his, knowing that he won’t wake up anytime soon.

“My precious, Alexander” he whispers not taking his eyes off Alec’s face.

_“Why did you do that?”_

 


	2. Chapter 2

It has been 14 hours since Alec fell asleep. His siblings came over a few times but Magnus was there the whole time. He couldn’t leave him alone, knowing that he could wake up and need something. He wanted to be next to him, to take care of him, even if he was sleeping.

He still can’t believe what Alec did to himself. He was shooting arrows, he cut himself with a blade. Did he want to end his life? _Was he trying to kill himself?_

Magnus slept an hour or two but no more. He was sitting there, next to him, on the couch, on the other chair or he was just standing in front of the huge window.

He is in front of the window now, seeing the beautiful view of New York City and wondering what Alec was thinking yesterday night. _It’s my fault. I should have called him sooner_ , Magnus thinks, blaming himself. Suddenly, he hears a deep sigh behind him and immediately turns to Alec.

He’s awake.

  
“Hey there, angel” Magnus smiles coming closer to the bed, saying the thing he _always_ says to Alec when he wakes up after him.

“Mags?” Alec’s voice is trembling but it still sounds deep.

Magnus sits next to him, taking his hand in his.

“I was worried sick, Alec” he says but he isn’t asking anything about _it_.

“How are you feeling?” he asks his angel, caressing his hurt hand gently over the bandages.

Alec flinches while he is moving his body to get more comfortable on the bed. _Is Magnus really here? Or is it just a dream again?_

“What—why are you here?” Alec asks closing his eyes for a second and making a face.  
  
“It hurts, doesn’t it?” Magnus asks as soon as he gets that he’s in pain.

“You are not mad at me?” Alec doesn’t reply to his question, he only asks him what he’s worried about.

“I’m not, I was _never_ mad at you” he smiles looking at his eyes sadly.

“But, I—you believe that I thought you were behind the attack, don’t you?” Alec asks him again but Magnus is still smiley.

“I don’t want to talk about that right now, Alexander. I have to know if you are okay. _Really_ _okay_ ” Magnus insists and Alec looks away.

“I am. I’m just tired” he sighs and Magnus nods.

“You know, I didn’t—I didn’t want to—” Alec tries to find the right words to assure Magnus that he didn’t really want to end his life but Magnus stops him.

“I don’t want to talk about that either. You have to rest” he says but Alec stays silent.

He takes a minute to look at his hurt chest, at the bandages over the wounds. His chest burns but he doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t want to worry Magnus more than he already is.

“You should sleep but Izzy and Jace need to see you” Magnus says but Alec shakes his head holding tightly Magnus’ hand.  
  
“No, I can’t. Not right now” Alec blinks a few times, he is almost begging him.  
  
“They want to see you Alec. They were _so_ worried” he insists but Alec closes his eyes again. He’s in pain.

“I can’t face them now. Please, Magnus” his voice is low and Magnus eventually nods.

“Okay.”

“Can I ask you something?” Alec asks.

“Of course, dear” Magnus replies smiling.  
  
“When I wake up, can we go home?” he asks again and Magnus feels better. _Home._

“Whatever you want, Alexander” he is holding his hand gently.

“I mean, _home_. Your loft.” He adds and Magnus nods.

“I know what you mean. Home for me is where _you_ are, so we’ll be wherever you want” Magnus reassures him and Alec puts his head back on his pillow, smiling at him.

“You should sleep now” Magnus caresses Alec’s shoulder and neck and Alec just nods closing his eyes.

“Will you stay?” he asks him, his eyes are still closed.

“Of course. I was there the whole time and I don’t plan on leaving now. I’ll be here when you wake up” he touches him gently and Alec nods smiling.

“Thank you, Magnus” every time Alec says his name, his heart drops.

Magnus continues to caress his hand while he falls back asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Alec wakes up five or six hours after. He slept a lot but he needed that. Izzy and Jace were here now, waiting for him to wake up. Magnus was still awake, he didn’t anything than sitting next to him all this time.

“Alec!” Izzy almost shouts getting closer to him.

She takes his hand in hers and she caressing carefully. Alec was surprised to see them there but he didn’t want to ask them to leave of course. He knows that they got worried and they wanted to see him but he still was _too_ tired for it. The only thing that really needed was Magnus, who was just sitting on the couch, looking tired too. He mustn’t have slept at all.

“Hey, Iz” Alec whispers smiling at her.

“How are you feeling?” she asks while Jace is getting closer to them.

“I’m good, I guess” he lies again. His chest is still burning.

“Man, we got so worried!” is the first thing Jace says sitting on the bed, next to Alec’s body.

Magnus is behind them but he doesn’t want to say a word. He wants to leave his siblings talk to him. They wanted to see him so bad and they deserve it, even if he knows that Alec wasn’t ready to face them.

“I’m sorry” Alec says and Magnus feels bad for him. _He has to stop blaming himself for everything._

“Do you need anything? Your bandages have to get changed” Iz says, not asking a single thing about the _situation_.

_Why did you do that Alec?_

_Did you try to kill yourself?_

_Do you want to end your life?_

The questions jump inside Alec’s head but he is more than thankful that no one asks him anything about that.

“Also, no more demon battles and training for you” Jace adds but Alec takes another minute to think before he says anything.

“I’ll stay at Magnus’” is the only thing he says and Jace tries to calm himself and not get angry.

Alec knows that Jace would be mad about it. He knows that he would want to have him there, to take care of him. But he will understand, eventually. At least, he hopes so.

Izzy understands his big brother, though. She knows that Alec loves Magnus and after _all this_ , he needs to be with him. Magnus is the right person to take care of him, to be there if he needs something.

“I know you disagree but I want to go _home_ ” Alec insists and Jace nods.

He wants to convince him to stay here but he knows that he won’t change his mind. After all, he deserves to be with the man he loves at the moment.

“You can leave after getting your bandages and plasters changed though” Jace says sassily.

“I will” Alec reassures him and after a while, they leave him alone with Magnus.

Magnus gets closer to him and sits next to his body.

“Feeling okay?” he asks and Alec nods, lying again.

“Are you? You seem tired” he points out and Magnus agrees.

“I haven’t slept that much, but I’m fine as you are okay.”

“You were so silent when Jace and Izzy were here” Alec smiles slightly and Magnus takes his trembling hand in his.

“I just wanted to give you some time with your siblings, Alexander” he replies and Alec smiles.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t. Do you want me to do anything for you? Whatever you need” Magnus asks and Alec nods his head.

“Just get the nurse here. I want to go home as soon as possible” he answers and Magnus does as he is told.

_They both need to go home. As soon as possible._


	3. Chapter 3

Magnus holds Alec tightly on his arm, helping him get in the loft. His chest still hurts so much that he can’t even walk himself. Magnus puts a bag with a bunch of clean clothes and new bandages on the floor and helps Alec sit on the couch. _Home_. He missed home.

“How are you feeling?” Magnus asks Alec while he is taking a few minutes to admire the loft he missed these days.

“You asked me the same thing two minutes ago, Mags” Alec says and Magnus sighs.

“I’m just worried. I’m sorry” he doesn’t want to be overdramatic but he can’t help it.

“I know, it’s okay. I’m fine— my chest still hurts” Alec admits and Magnus sits closer to him, his hands on Alec’s shoulders.

“The nurse said that it’s okay to take a shower. Do you want to take one now? Just to stop the burning” he suggests but Alec shakes his head.

“Maybe later, okay?” he asks for permission like he is a teen again.

“Okay” he smiles at him.

“Magnus” Alec says taking his hand in his.

Magnus can feel how tense Alec is feeling right now and he doesn’t know what he has to do to make him feel better. _Talk about it?  Giving him more time?_  
  
“What is it, darling?” Alec is breathing deeply.

“I want you to know that I didn’t— I didn’t want to end my life” he begins.

“You know that, right?” he asks, his eyes on Magnus’ eyes.

“I don’t know what to believe anymore, Alec” he sighs and Alec is trembling more than ever now. _No, he has to know that. He has to know that didn’t try to kill himself._

“I was so mad at myself. I couldn’t believe I told you these things and made you go away. I was shooting arrows for more than five hours but the _pain_ was still there” he continues and Magnus tries his best to hold his tears away.

“Then I went to train but it didn’t get any better. I did, what I did— I _cut_ myself because I had to take the pain _away_ , Magnus. I had to get hurt to make the pain _inside_ _me_ go away” he repeats, his eyes are watery now.

“I didn’t try to kill myself. I wouldn’t— _ever_ ” he adds and Magnus carefully wraps his hands around him.

“I’m sorry you were feeling so much pain. I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m _so_ sorry” Magnus loses it and lets his tears wet his face.

“No, you have nothing to be sorry about, Mags. I’m sorry for everything I said. You didn’t deserve any of this. I just got mad and— I never believed that you were behind the attack. I trust you, more than everyone and you never have to prove yourself to me” Alec tries to comfort him while he is hugging him tightly. He doesn’t even care that his chest hurts at that point.

“I love you” he adds and Magnus’ heart drops.

“I love you too” Magnus says living small kisses on Alec’s shoulder.

“Just please, promise me that if things get ever _this_ bad again, you will come and talk to me. No matter what” he adds pulling him away so he can face him better.

Alec nods, looking at his worried boyfriend’s watery eyes.

“No, Alec. _Promise me_ ” Magnus repeats so he can make him say those words.

“I promise. If things get bad again, I will come to you.”

“Okay, okay.”

“I’m sorry” Alec apologizes again hiding his face with his own hands.

Magnus takes his hands away from his face and he wipes off his tears. His cheeks are wet but they are still a bit pink, as they always are.

“Stop apologizing, Alexander. You did nothing wrong.”

“No, I did. All this— was wrong” he replies choking his tears away.

“But it wasn’t your fault. It’s okay. You were mad and sad and you couldn’t control it. _It wasn’t your fault_ ” he repeats and Alec wraps his hands around him pulling him into a hug again.

They stay like this for a while as this is they both need the most right now. They are holding each other tightly, Alec is still crying over Magnus’ shoulder while he is rubbing his back softly.

“Your chest wounds still hurt?” Magnus asks and Alec nods, making Alec face him again.

“Yeah” he whispers.

“You should really take a bath. It may help.”

“What if they hurt more?” Alec asks, his voice is trembling.

“Okay then, listen” Magnus starts.

“Do you want to eat first and then we can take that shower?” he asks him, holding his hands.

“We?”

“Yes, darling, _we_. I will help you and I will be there if you’re in pain” Magnus replies and Alec smiles slightly.

“Yeah— _okay_ , that sounds fine.”

“What do you want to eat? We should order something or I could make you that spaghetti you like” Magnus asks him looking into his eyes.

“Uhm—take out would be good.”

“Alright, then. What are you suggesting? Chinese? Indian?” he asks again.

“Whatever you like.”

“No, you tell me what you prefer” Magnus insists.

“Well—I don’t know, maybe, Chinese?” he asks as a reply making Magnus laugh.

“You are so kind, Alexander. Why are you afraid to tell me what you want? It’s just me, you should be comfortable with me by now, don’t you think?’ he lightens the atmosphere making Alec blush.

“I am. I just don’t want _us_ to always do whatever _I_ prefer” Alec replies and Magnus smiles caressing his cheek before he stands up to go order the food.

***

“Alexander, what was the last time you _actually_ ate?” Magnus asks Alec laughing as he noticed that he’s eating faster than he usually does.

“Am I eating like a pig?” Alec asks in reply worried.

“No, no, Alexander. No such thing. I just noticed that you eat way faster than you’re used to” he points out and Alec nods.

“What was the last time you ate, darling?” he asks again.

“I guess, two days ago, the day I fainted out.”

“Hm, I figured.”

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t able to eat” Alec replies, chewing his food slower now.

“It’s okay, stop apologizing for everything” Magnus smiles at him.

Alec smiles back and Magnus’ world turns upside down. God, he missed that smile. That truthful charming smile which always makes Magnus’ heart melt. He missed Alec. He missed _his_ Alexander, who always blushes with every flirty comment or compliment or pet name Magnus gives to him. Some minutes ago he realized that he hasn’t even kissed him yet. He wants to badly, but he doesn’t want to push anything. He can’t do this now _he’s hurt_. He just got back to him. He’s glad he is back to him, even after all _this_ happened.

“I’m so full” Alec says drinking some water and sitting more comfortable on the chair.

“I’m glad” Magnus smiles and Alec nods.

“Magnus” he starts.

“I don’t really think a shower is a good idea right now.”

“Why, darling? I’ll be there with you” he insists and Alec sighs.

“Do they hurt that much?” he asks worried.

“Yeah” Alec confesses and Magnus stands up walking to his side and kneeling in front of him.

“I’ll get you a painkiller, make yourself comfortable on the couch” Magnus says and stands up again leaving Alec walk to the living room.

 

“Here you are” Magnus gives a glass of water and a pill to Alec, so it can stop his pain. He can’t see him in pain. And that’s why he will stop insisting about the shower. _When Alexander feels ready,_ he tells himself.

Alec takes the pill and drinks the water. His chest is burning and the wounds hurt so much today. _He wishes he could use an iratze, but the law is the law._

“Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, Alexander” he puts the glass on the coffee table and sits next to him on the couch.

“Are you tired? Do you want to sleep or something?” he asks him but Alec shakes his head.

“No, no. I was sleeping for 20 hours, I’m fine” he laughs making Magnus feel less worried.

“Where’s Chairman, by the way?” Alec asks and Magnus smiles.

Alec always loved Chairman and Chairman seemed to love him more. Even more than Magnus. He used to wake him up because he wanted morning cuddles. Alec was spoiling him by giving him whatever he wanted. Magnus should be jealous of his cat because Chairman was the first who was getting morning cuddles from Alec.

“Catarina has him. Yesterday I had to stay with you so I couldn’t leave him alone here for so many hours” he replies.

“You’re right, I’m sorry” Alec says making him laugh.

“I did say something before. Stop apologizing, darling!” he continues laughing getting closer to him.

Alec’s breathing is deep and loud and Magnus can feel how tense he feels. They are so close, their hands are touching. Alec looks so good, as always. He is breathtaking. His eyes are on Magnus’ lips. _God, he can’t help it._

“Alec” he tries to stabilize his breathing.

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you?” he asks kindly.

“Do you really have to ask?” Alec leans in and speaks upon Magnus’ lips.

“I just want to make sure that you’re okay with this” Magnus says and finally kisses him.

His lips are soft and Magnus gets lost there. He missed this. God, he missed Alec’s lips, Alec’s gentle kissed. He missed him. Alec moves even closer to hold his hands, their lips never parting. They kiss for a little while and they stop to take a deep breath.

“I missed you” Alec confesses for Magnus’ surprise.

“You have no idea how much I missed you” he adds and Magnus’ forehead is touching with Alec’s.

“I missed you so much too.”

“I love you, Magnus.”

Magnus smiles brightly and he can’t help it but wonder; how did he get so lucky to have this man’s hear?

“I love you too, Alexander.”

“Do you still want to help me shower?” Alec smiles upon Magnus’ lips and Magnus nods laughing.

“Of course I do” he leaves a sweet kiss on Alec’s lips and he takes his hand to stand up together.


	4. Chapter 4

Alec takes his shirt off while he is standing in front of the mirror. He tries to carefully take a bandage off but he stops himself. It hurts _too_ much.

“Hey, I got you a clean towel” Magnus entrances and puts the towel on the small table next to the sink.

“Uhm, thanks.”

“What is it?” Magnus notices that Alec seems stressed about something.

“Can you—ehm, help me with these?” Alec asks pointing the bandages on his chest.

“Of course, darling” Magnus says before he comes close to his tall boyfriend.

He touches his chest gently over the bandages. Alec is barely breathing because of the pain.

“Take a breath before I remove the first one” he urges him and he does as he is told.

Magnus unsticks the first one and removes it carefully and slowly. Alec closes his eyes immediately and he now knows that he’s in pain.

“I’m sorry, it hurts, isn’t it?” he asks worried and Alec nods.

“Alexander, I have to take them off but if you’re in pain—” he starts but Alec stops him.

“Continue, Magnus, please” he insists. He wants this to end as soon as possible.

“Okay, take a breath again.”

He continues to remove every bandage carefully and way slower than he did before. Alec seems to be in less pain that way. Magnus takes a look at his cuts as he is finished and feels his heart stop for some seconds. The wounds are _so_ deep. _Why did he do this to himself?_

“They’re so ugly. This is what you are thinking, isn’t it?” Alec sighs.

“What? No, Alec. I just—feel so bad that you had to do this to yourself.”

“Don’t. Just help me shower so we can get out of here as soon as possible” he commands.

“Do you want me to get in with you, or just sit there and help you wash your wounds?” Magnus asks him kindly making him blush again.

“Uhm—I thought you wanted us to take a shower _together_ ” he confesses and Magnus smiles caressing his cheek.

“I did. Only if you feel comfortable with it.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Let me help you first” Magnus suggests and help him take off his clothes.

After Alec is all naked, Magnus takes his clothes off and turns to him. Alec blushes and Magnus can feel how tense _his_ Alexander is. He always blushes too much, but he loves it. He loves how innocent that boy is.

“Hey, it’s just me. Don’t feel uncomfortable” he puts his hands on Alec’s shoulders and he nods still feeling kinda weird.

“Come on” Magnus takes his hand and they both get in the bathtub.

 

* * *

 

Magnus holds Alec the whole time. They are under the shower and he helps him wash carefully his chest. The first minutes Alec was still tense but now he’s all relaxed, not feeling pressure anymore. The painkillers have helped him and now the pain is mostly gone. Magnus is right in front of him, looking at his eyes and body and Alec gets lost in him. He gives him sweet kisses thanking him, everytime Magnus touches his body gently.

Alec realizes that Magnus always keeps his promises and now _he is doing what he told him_ the very first day a few months ago when they started officially dating.

  
_“Magnus, I really don’t know how am I supposed to—“ Alec tries to talk but Magnus stops him._

_“Trust me, Alec, you have nothing to worry about as I am here” Magnus comforts him but he shakes himself._

_“No, Magnus you don’t get it. You’ve been in so many relationships and you are so experienced at everything. And I—I never really—“ now Alec stops himself from feeling more embarrassed than ever._

_“I know, Alexander. And I can assure you that I don’t care. I don’t care that I’m your first, well, everything. I’m here and I want to be with you no matter what. After all these years, you are the only one who unlocked something in me. I want you so much, Alexander Lightwood” Magnus speaks and Alec is barely breathing._

_“I hear that relationships take effort” his voice is trembling._

_“I’m all for effort” Magnus replies and leans in kissing him slowly and gently._

 

And now Alec finally gets it. _Magnus is really all for effort_. He tries so hard to be next to Magnus as Magnus is next to him, but this is impossible. Magnus is so selfless and caring. He has always been and he still is next to him, taking care of him, loving him. Alec wishes he could be a good boyfriend but he doesn’t know if he is.

“Magnus” he comes back to reality and puts his hands on Magnus’ naked chest, the water is still running through them.

“Yes?”

“Can we get out of the bathtub? I’m cold” he asks and Magnus nods giving him a kiss before he grabs the white towel and hands it to him.

He helps him dry and after he does for himself too, they get out of the tub. Magnus wears new underwear and clothes really quick and turns to him.

“Wait here, I have to get you clean bandages and plasters” Magnus says and leaves the bathroom.

Alec wears his clean underwear and pants and sits on the toilet waiting for him. He takes a moment to look at his wounds. God, they’re so ugly. _How can Magnus still look at them? How can he still look at him?_

Magnus must believe that he is so weak. He did this to himself because he was weak. _It was weak and childish. He had to be a man and try to solve his problems. Not cut himself. He can’t even use an iratze. Weak. Weak. Weak._

“Okay, let me fix you now” Magnus comes back smiling in the bathroom holding the clean bandages on his hand.

“Hey, hey, Alec. What is it?” he is kneeling in front of him looking straight into his eyes.

_Why he always has to understand that something’s wrong?_

“Why are you crying, darling?” _Oh, that’s why._ _Crying_. _Weakness._

“Nothing, it’s nothing. Put the bandages on” he wipes off his tears and nods to Magnus.

Magnus does as he is told but they both know that they will talk about that later. For now, Magnus gives him all the time he needs. He puts the bandages on his chest’s wounds carefully while he is hearing Alec’s deep breathing.

“Done.”

“Thank you” Alec smiles brightly and stands up.

“Let’s go lay on the bed, shall we?” Magnus asks and Alec nods relieved. _This is what he really wants right now. Lay on the bed, holding Magnus._

 

* * *

 

Alec has his eyes closed but he’s not sleeping. He is just relaxing. Magnus is holding him tightly, Alec’s head on Magnus’ chest while he is running his fingers through Alec’s soft inky hair. He wants to ask about what happened before but he doesn’t want to push everything. He wants Alec to talk when he feels ready.

“Magnus, can I ask you something?” Alec breaks the silence and Magnus smiles.

“Of course.”

“If I never cut myself and fainted, would you forgive me then? About what I said to you and how bad I reacted?” he asks.

He must have been thinking of this question for a while now. He didn’t even stutter saying the words _“cut myself”_ or anything.

“Yes, I would. I actually talked to Cat that day. When your sister called me, I was thinking about calling you so I could try and fix things between us” Magnus replies, telling the truth.

“Really?” Alec asks, his eyes big and full of surprise.

“Yes, Alexander, really. I couldn’t do anything without thinking of you. I had to do something because if I were away from you for a little longer, I’d lose my mind.”

“Okay, me fainting was a good thing then because you got to see me” Alec chuckles but Magnus is still serious.

“No, I’d prefer to get to see you safe and sound” he answers and Alec’s smile faded.

“I’m—“

“Don’t apologize. It’s my fault now, I shouldn’t have said that” Magnus adds and takes Alec’s hand in his. He doesn’t want to make Alec feel guiltier about what he did, more than he already does.

“I’m sorry” he adds again and Alec nods, although he knows that it was his fault, and not Magnus’.

“Can I ask you something too, now?”

“Sure” Alec replies.

“What were you thinking before? In the bathroom.” Magnus asks but he can sense Alec’s slow breathing.

“It’s okay, if you don’t want to tell me. I understand, I don’t want to push anything and make you feel pressed.”

“I just saw my wounds. They’re so ugly, Magnus” he confesses but Magnus is not surprised.

“Alec” he turns to caress his cheek.

“Listen to me. They’re not ugly. There is nothing ugly about you. You will get through all of this and they will vanish in a little time. Just be patient” Magnus tries to comfort him but Alec’s eyes are watery again.

“No, don’t you get it? The scars will never leave my body. And it’s all my fault. I wish I wasn’t so _weak_ ” he can hear the disgust in Alec’s voice as he says the last word.

“Weak? You are not weak. Far from that” Magnus speaks wiping Alec’s tears off his face.

“I am. I couldn’t control myself and I acted like a teen. I cut myself!” he lets out a sob and Magnus immediately wraps his hands around him pulling him closer. He can’t see him like that.

“Please, don’t do this to yourself. You just couldn’t control it, that’s true but it’s okay. You are a shadowhunter, but you are still a human. And humans make mistakes sometimes. But they learn from them, and so will you. You are strong, believe me, you are _the_ strongest person I have ever met in my entire life. And I’ve lived _so_ much” he is speaking upon his shoulder while he is letting him cry and _break down._

 “Let it out, it’s okay. I’m here for you.”

“ _My_ _precious_ , Alexander” he is whispering to Alec’s ear holding him against his body and rubbing circles on his back.

 


	5. Chapter 5

They slept next to each other last night, holding each other, Magnus being the big spoon, hugging Alec.

Alec was a mess after their talk. He stopped crying but he wasn’t okay, Magnus could notice. He wasn’t feeling okay with his own self. He couldn’t do anything to help him except holding him; making him feel safe in his arms. And Alec was thankful for that. It was exactly what he needed Magnus to do. To be _here_. Because all his life, was alone, no one was _here_ even though he had his siblings always around.

“Hm,” he hears Alec sighing while he is continuing to play with Alec’s hair.

Magnus was awake for more than a half hour but Alec was still sleeping. He didn’t want to wake him, how could he? He needed to relax for a bit.

“Hey there, angel” Magnus says what he always says to him when he wakes up.

“Hey” Alec opens his eyes slowly and gets more comfortable in his boyfriend’s arms.

“How are you feeling?” he is wondering more about his mental health than his physical health and wounds hurting.

“Okay” Alec replies placing his hands around Magnus’ waist.

“Mags?”

“Yes?” his eyes widen.

“Can we do something—interesting today? I need to keep my mind busy” Alec confesses and Magnus’ heart melts.

“Of course we can. Whatever you want.”

“I was thinking about—a date maybe?”

Alec smiles a little and Magnus realizes how much he hates it when Alec breaks down like he did last night. This man deserves to smile more. He deserves nothing but happiness and love. And Magnus is willing to give him that.

“Are you asking me out, Alexander?” Magnus chuckles wanting to push it a bit, although he knows that Alec will blush from minute to minute.

“I—“ he blushes.

“Because I’d love to go out with you” he adds not letting Alec him finish.

His cheeks are even more pink now. Magnus places kiss on Alec’s lips but Alec pulls immediately away.

“Hey, I didn’t even brush my teeth yet!” he complains and Magnus laugh.

“Will you ever stop worrying about everything? I don’t give a damn, darling, haven’t you already figured that out?” Magnus smiles before he kisses him again, not letting Alec pull away now. _Not_ that he would.

“So, we can go on a date?” Alec is smiling slightly making Magnus’ heart drop. This is exactly what he deserves.

“Why can’t we? I would never imagine you asking me out so this is new!” Alec nods shyly.

“Don’t feel uncomfortable. As I’m here, you should never. Now tell me what you want us to do tonight”

“Something chill, I don’t know. Maybe going for a walk, eating an ice cream?” he suggests and Magnus nods.

“If this is that you want, this is what we are doing” he replies smiling.

“Thank you, this is what I actually _need_.”

“I know, I know.”

“We can even go shopping before, I mean, I know how much you like it and—“ Alec starts talking again but Magnus stops him.

“What? You want to go shopping? Someone wake me up, I am still dreaming!”

Magnus laughs and Alec giggles. _Gosh_ , that giggle Magnus loves. Alec smiling is the most precious thing in the entire world, Magnus’ heart skips several beats.

“I want it, kinda. I just thought that the only thing you do these days is taking care of me and I don’t like it. I mean I don’t like that I’m always on your way not letting you do anything you want to” Magnus’ smile fades.

“Don’t you ever say that again. Listen to me, you are never on my way and the only thing I _really_ want to do is taking care of you. I want to help you shower, to make dinner and breakfast for you, I want us to sleep together, holding each other. I love that and I love you. Believe it or not, I never had _this_ in my life, Alec, and now I do, I am not willing to let it go” Alec nods, smiling slightly, not being ready to say anything more.

“You are good with words” he confesses.

“Thanks, I’ve been told before” Magnus jokes and gives him a quick kiss on Alec’s lips.

“I mean it, Alexander. Everything I said” he adds after a few minutes and Alec nods again.

“I know and I’m more than thankful for that, but still. I don’t want you to feel _pressed_ by having me here.”

“That never happens, _never_ ” he repeats.

Alec is still carrying weight on his shoulders. He still feels guilty and _weak_. Magnus’ heart drops everytime he thinks about his breakdown. He was so vulnerable last night. He was crying on Magnus’ chest while he was holding him tightly, telling him sweet things to his ear. How much he worth, how precious and strong he is, how much he missed him these days and that he could never live without him. He was there while he was having a breakdown but he was glad he was starting to talk to him. He never used to talk about anything that was on his mind.

Alec is the kind of guy who doesn’t talk too much, who doesn’t confess what he feels. But when he does, everyone knows that he means every single word he says. Magnus is the opposite, he says things, he shows his emotions and feelings. But he means them too. They are fulfilling each other, Magnus is telling himself.

 

* * *

 

“Tell me you just got vanilla” Magnus jokes and Alec nods looking at his ice cream.

“What’s wrong with vanilla?”

“It’s boring! Do you want to try mine?” he winks at him and Alec chuckles.

“What is it?”

“Mint and lemon.”

“I think I’ll pass. It sounds absolutely disgusting” Alec takes the plastic spoon and eats a little of his vanilla ice cream.

“Don’t you dare insult my favourite ice cream flavour again, you Nephilim!” Magnus complains and Alec laughs loudly. He is in a good mood today.

“So, is the pain getting any better?” he asks him as they are walking in the crowded streets.

“Yeah, I got another painkiller pill when I woke up, so it’s fine now.”

“You should be eating before you take your pills. We don’t want to get a bellyache too” Magnus comments and Alec nods.

“I know, I did.”

“You did?” Magnus frowns.

“Yeah, I mean, coffee counts right?” he replies making him laugh.

“No, it doesn’t.”

“Magnus, you know, I have to get back to training and battling eventually” Alec is serious again, speaking while he continues eating his ice cream.

“Not anytime soon” he commands.

“You cannot lock me up in _your_ loft forever, Mags” Alec’s voice is sharp but his tone is cheerful. _He’s definitely in a good mood; he just called him Mags, Magnus is telling himself._

“It’s _my_ loft again?” Magnus sighs.

“Sorry, I was trying to sound harsh” he jokes and gets closer next to Magnus, their shoulders are touching.

“Hm, I figured.”

“But it’s true though. I have to get back to training at least” he insists and Magnus sighs again.

“No you don’t, you have to heal first, Alec.”

“I wish I could use an _iratze_ ” Alec refuses to look at Magnus when the word hits his mind again; _weak. Too weak to use an iratze._  

“I know what you are thinking, but it’s not true. You can’t use an iratze because you still have open wounds. If you use an iratze they may get worse and you start bleeding. But it’s okay to heal in a mundane way” Magnus takes Alec’s hand puts it in his.

“ _Mundane_ ” Alec mocks the word as it’s sound so dumb to him. He is a shadowhunter, not a mundane. He should be able to heal in the shadowhunter way.

“Don’t say it like that. We all need to do things as mundanes, you do, I do, everyone does” he is caressing his hand and Alec frowns.

“ _You_ do?”

“Of course I do. I did before, I had to heal like you do now.”

“Why? What happened then?” Alec asks worried and Magnus sighs.

“I’ll tell you another time, okay? Now we are on a date, remember?” he smiles and he nods.

“Okay, whenever you want to talk, I’ll be here” Alec reassures him.

“I know, darling, I know.”

“And about the training thing—“ Alec turns to him and Magnus laugh.

“Not again!”

“Shush! Let me finish.”

“Can I at least go back to do archery sometimes? It’s the only thing I like to do, Mags, it will keep my mind busy. Also, you can stay alone for a little while and do magic _things_ for clients or whatever” Alec waves his hand at his last words.

“Why you think I want to stay alone? I want to be with you, Alec, I don’t care about my clients” Magnus stops eating and looks at Alec’s sad eyes. These eyes he could do anything to never see them watery again.

“Yeah, but you care about me right?”

“Do you really have to ask that? I care about you more than anyone else in this world” Magnus confesses and Alec smiles slightly.

“So, will you let me go back to the institute to do archery? I know you don’t trust me, not after what I did, but Jace and Izzy will be there. I promise you, that I will never, _never_ do something like that again. I just want to keep my mind busy doing the thing that I love the most” it’s the first time Alec says so much that quickly but he does it for a reason; to convince his worried man.

“Okay— _okay_ ” his voice breaks. _It’s not that he doesn’t trust him, he is just worried about him, all the time. He doesn’t want to do anything to hurt himself again._

He doesn’t want to agree with him. He doesn’t want him to go back, to feel alone again. He is afraid to let him do archery; to shoot arrows, not after what he did that night. But he can’t say no. How could someone say no to Alec? _This man will be the end of him._

“Thank you, Mags” he kisses his soft lips making Magnus’ heart skip several beats.

“I appreciate everything you do for me and I love you but I don’t want you to worry about me every single minute” he adds and Magnus nods.

“I can’t help it, sorry if I make you feel pressed.”

“You don’t, you could never. It’s just me, it’s always something wrong about me. I feel weak and I want to prove myself I’m not” he confesses and Magnus wraps his hands around his waist.

“You know, I could tell you, again and again, every single day, every morning when you wake up and every night before you sleep how amazing you are, how strong and how precious. I could tell you that you are not weak and that it’s nothing wrong with you but I understand how you feel. It’s okay wanting to prove yourself that, Alec. You can do it, you can do whatever will make you feel better. But I don’t want you to push yourself away from me. I can’t lose you too, Alexander, you are what I live for” Magnus speaks and _hell_ , Alec is about to cry.

“You won’t lose me. Never” he hugs him tightly placing his head on his left shoulder.

They stay silent, holding each other for a few more minutes. People are passing next to them but nobody seems to care or give them a look. Alec is rubbing Magnus’ back, being the big spoon. Sometimes he had to be the big spoon, sometimes Magnus needed him more than he did.

“It’s early. If you feel like it, we can go shopping. I know you love it” Alec speaks next to his ear and Magnus chuckles.

“I thought you’ve already regretted even the thought of it” he laughs pulling him away and looking straight at his eyes.

“Well, I have but I made up my mind again” he winks and Magnus can’t help it but laugh.

“Okay, so before you change your mind again, you hesitant boy, we should go. I am dying to make you try on fancy outfits and stuff!”

“I regret it already” Alec sighs and Magnus laughs taking his hand to make him follow him.

 

* * *

 

 

“So, did you have fun?” Izzy asks his big brother from the other side of the phone.

“I did, it was something I really needed” Alec replies while he and Magnus are getting in their loft, holding bags full of clothes and accessories.

“I’m glad then. We should do that together one time!” she sounds excited but Alec feels his breath getting taken away.

“Uhm, you know I don’t really like this idea but you should go with Magnus. He is as obsessed with shopping as you are” he chuckles and Magnus complains from the behind.

“Hey!” he says feeling insulted and Alec just smiles at him.

“I have to go Iz, we’ll talk at night” he turns to his phone and says goodbye to his sister.

“So, now I am obsessed with shopping?”

“Yes, you are!” Alec giggles and Magnus waves his hand in disbelief.

“I’m just too good at it!”

“Okay, whatever you say, Mags” Alec replies and he turns to him placing his palms on his chest.

“Thank you for going shopping with me today” Magnus’ voice is softer now and Alec nods.

“You have nothing to be thankful for. It was the least thing I could do” he smiles warmly and leans in kissing him.

“Plus, thank you for buying me clothes” he adds and Magnus nods having a big smile on his face.

“My pleasure.”

“Also, I got you something” Alec looks at Magnus’ surprised eyes he loves so much.

“When? We were together the whole time!” Magnus replies confused.

“While you were waiting on that queue and I went to get us coffee.”

He goes back to all the bags they left next to the couch and he gets a small one, which, apparently, was inside in another, bigger one. He comes back to Magnus, who is standing still and surprised.

“There you go” Alec gives the small paper bag to him and Magnus smiles not even knowing what to say. There was so long ago when somebody got him a gift, he almost finds that new. But then he remembers, Alec is _his new so many things_.

He takes the bag on his hand and opens it carefully. He finds a box in it and immediately opens it.

“Uh—this is _so_ beautiful” Magnus can’t really find the right words.

It’s a small chain, a bracelet, with a small golden key on it. It’s so elegant and delicate, Magnus has already fallen in love with it. _Not more than he is already with Alec, but still._

“I saw it and I don’t know why, but I thought of you. You’ve helped me so much through times to times, Magnus. You know that I’ve never got down my walls for anyone before. But now I did find you and you unlocked something in me” Alec explains and Magnus feels his eyes getting watery, his hands trembling.

“Thank you so much, I—I don’t know what to say” and that was it, for the first time, Magnus really didn’t know what to say. And he always does, he is good at words, and Alec knows that.

Alec leans in kissing his soft lips slowly. His heart melts at that moment and his belly aches out of happiness.

“I love you” Magnus breaks the silence, speaking upon Alec’s lips.

“I love you too, and thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”

“You are the only good thing in my life, Alexander, I live for you, don’t thank me” Magnus speaks and Alec presses his lips upon his, as long as he is finished.

He pulls him closer from his shirt and Magnus gaps between their kisses, which get more and more passionate. Alec guides him to their bedroom while he is definitely lost in the moment. He has to stop, he tells himself, not being able to pull away from him.

“ _Alec—“_ he whispers breathing upon his lips but Alec is shocked he stopped him.

“What?”

“You are still hurt, your wounds—“

“Don’t think about that” he doesn’t let him finish and leans in again to kiss him. Magnus pulls his head away from him so he can avoid kissing him and get _lost_ in him again.

“You need to heal first, darling” Magnus is breathing heavily and Alec gets even more close to him.

“Magnus.”

“I _need_ you” his voice breaks and Magnus’ heart drops. That was it. He can’t be subtle any longer. He pulls him closer kissing him full in the mouth. He needs him too; actually, he is what he always needs.

 


	6. Chapter 6

“Alec.”

  
“Alexander, wake up, love”

Magnus caresses Alec’s arm when he starts waking up silently. He finally opens his eyes and meets his gaze. Magnus smiles at the view of him; he is still sleepy looking more peaceful and beautiful than ever. Alec hums and Magnus sits next to him on the right side of their bed.

Yesterday night was really something else. Magnus has missed him, he has missed this. And so has Alec. Their touches, their passionate kisses, their slow breathings were everything they could ever ask for. Magnus was Alec’s first a year ago, but even now after all this time, he knows that he is the only one who can ever make him feel this way; make his heart race, make his hands and whole body tremble and sweat with only one touch. And even though Magnus is experienced, as Alec says, he knows that Alexander, his Alexander, is different than everyone else. He is his first so many things.

“Hey there, angel.”

“Did you sleep well?” he asks looking at his sleepy man who yawns at that point.

“Yeah” he replies softly.

“I’m glad. I have a surprise for you” Magnus says and Alec frowns, still laying next to him.

“What is it?” he just asks, not really being in the mood for things like that.

“Just get up and come to the living room. Trust me, you’ll like it” he presses his lips quickly against his and leaves him in the bedroom to put some clean clothes on.

Alec does as he is told. He gets up and goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face. He takes a quick look at himself in the mirror and sighs. His chest doesn’t hurt that much today and he hasn’t even taken a painkiller. That’s a good start, he tells himself and gets back to their bedroom. He takes a plain black shirt and puts it on but he doesn’t change his sweatpants. They don’t even look like pyjamas. They are black too, as every other pair of pants he owns.

He runs his fingers through his messy hair to fix them as much as possible and takes his way to the living room. As he walks, he can hear voices from the inside. He enters the room and all he sees is Magnus’ back, who is sitting on the couch in front of him and on the other couch sits Lydia. _Lydia._

“Alec!” he hears the cheerful tone of her voice.

Alec stays still when she stands up and walks to his side, wrapping her hands around him. He hugs her tightly placing his head on her shoulder.

He has missed her.

Lydia was one of the few shadowhunters who were always there for him, supporting and loving him. They were friends since 9 years old and he trusts her as he trusts Jace and Izzy. _Nobody can compare to his trust for Magnus though._

Alec feels Magnus’ eyes on them but he can’t say anything right now. He can’t thank him enough. He knows Magnus really tries, he tries so hard to give Alec what he wants, what he needs. He is _blessed_ to have him.

“How are you? I’ve missed you! Why you didn’t call me when all this happened?” Lydia pulls away, but still having her arms around him.

“You were in London, I didn’t want to worry you” Alec replies.

Well, that was true. Lydia and many other shadowhunters had to go to London to fight downworlders as they attacked the London Institute.

“And I missed you too” he adds before Lydia starts complaining about that.

“You should have called me!” she doesn’t lose the chance and hits playfully Alec’s arm, looking pissed but happy at the same time as she’s here now. 

“When did you come back?” Alec asks still holding her in his arms.

“Yesterday night, and even though I saw your sister he didn’t tell me anything! Damn you Lightwood siblings!” they all chuckle, even Magnus, who stands still behind them.

“Did Jace tell you then?”

“No Alec, Magnus did” he answers and Alec feels like he can’t breathe for a second. _Magnus called her?_ He turns to him and Magnus half smiles.

“You still haven’t told me how you really are!” he adds and Alec leave’s Magnus’ gaze and meets hers.

“Lydia, I’m okay, relax” he tries to sound as convincing as possible and she nods smiling.

“When will you come back to the Institute then?” she asks and they both can hear Magnus’ disappointing sigh as he leaves them alone in the room, heading to the kitchen.

Alec wants to run behind him, grab his arm and reassure him that he will be here and won’t come back there anytime soon. He will stay with Magnus for as long as he needs to trust him again. He knows he doesn’t trust him, even though he says he does. But he doesn’t do anything. He stays with Lydia, leaving Magnus all the time he needs to calm down.

“Did I say something wrong?” she asks but Alec shakes his head.

“No, it’s fine, I will talk to him later” he sighs but the only thing he can think of right now is Magnus. _Magnus is all that matters to him._

“He doesn’t want me to come back, not after what I did. He doesn’t trust me anymore” Lydia can hear the sadness in his voice and she can’t help it but hug him again.

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Magnus loves you to death, Alec. He just needs you to be safe” her words hit Alec’s heart, taking his breath away.

“Do you want me to leave? You should go talk to him and I can come back another time and—“

“No, no, stay. I don’t know what to tell him anyways” he replies and she nods.

“Let me grab my coat and go for a walk” he adds and goes back to the bedroom to grab his jacket. He needs some time with Lydia, he has missed her so much.

He comes back to her but he can’t leave like that. He can’t leave Magnus behind not saying anything. _His guiltiness would kill him if he did_.

“Wait a second” he turns to her and starts walking to the kitchen.

He finds Magnus standing in front of the window, holding a coffee mug. He must be pissed, he tells himself.

“Mags” his voice sounds like a whispering.

Magnus turns to him, his eyes look emotionless, his smile has vanished.

“I’ll go for a walk with Lydia, if that’s okay” he says licking quickly his lips.

“Okay” is the only thing he says and Alec leaves him in the kitchen, leaving his heart there too.

He can’t see him like that, it makes his heart break but he can’t face him. Not right now. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say to him to make him feel better. To make him trust him again.   
  
“Let’s go” he smiles as truly as he can to Lydia and they walk out of the house.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s almost afternoon when Alec comes back home. He had fun spending time with Lydia, talking about shadowhunters’ stuff, about the attack in London, about his relationship with Magnus and anyways just having her next to him. His mind and heart were with Magnus the entire time but he needed to get some fresh air and have fun.

“Magnus?” he asks as soon as he gets in. _He wants to talk to him._

“Office” is the only word he hears and he understands that he’s probably doing some work right now.

He sighs and goes in their bedroom to put on some comfy clothes. He doesn’t know how Magnus feels right now, if he wants him to talk, but he will try. _He will try_ because this is what Magnus always does. And now it’s Alec’s turn.

He goes upstairs and stands behind Magnus’ office’s half-opened door. He takes a deep breath and knocks.

“Can I come in?”

“Yes, of course” he feels relieved when he hears Magnus’ positive answer even though he didn’t call him _darling_ or _angel_ or something to show him that he’s okay with him.

He comes into the room and gets closer to Magnus who is standing in front of some potions and other magical things that he can’t understand their use. He doesn’t want to ask either.

“Hey” Alec just says standing next to him, not meeting his gaze yet.

“Hope you had fun with Lydia” Magnus tells him, trying to avoid his gaze too.

“I did” he replies, trying to control his breathing.

“Can we talk?” he doesn’t lose the chance to ask him what he wanted in the first place.

“I—I’m working right now” Magnus dismisses his request as he wants to avoid the awkward conversation between them.

That was the last thing Alec expected Magnus to say.

 

_Magnus is tired, he tells himself._

_He’s tired of always being there for me._  
He’s tired of trying.  
He’s tired of me;

Alec’s mind screams while he is trying to control himself, to not cry in front of him now.

“Uhm— okay, maybe later then” it’s the only thing he says before he leaves Magnus behind.

Magnus’ mind is screaming too _; No. No, no, that’s not right. Don’t let him leave._

“Wait.”

Alec stops walking, his back is still facing Magnus. He feels like he can’t breathe. He can’t turn to him, he can’t see him crying. Magnus comes closer, touching his arm gently.

“Hey” he whispers when his eyes meet his. Seeing Alec, _his Alexander_ crying, breaks his heart, makes him want to hug him and never let him go.

“I’m sorry” Magnus speaks as he wipes Alec’s tears off his face.

“I’m sorry, Alexander, I didn’t mean to—“ he adds again but Alec stops him by taking his hand and squeezing his palm softly. 

“No, it’s not your fault, Magnus. It’s all about me, everything I do is wrong. I’m sorry, really sorry” Alec is the one who apologizes right now and Magnus feels nothing but confused.

“Why are _you_ apologizing?”

“ _darling” he wants to add, but he doesn’t._ He wants him to let him talk, without making him feel more pressed and vulnerable than he already is.

“For everything I did and for giving you several reasons not to trust me anymore. And before you say anything, I know you _don’t_ _trust_ _me_ , Magnus. And I get it, completely. It’s reasonable after what I did. But I don’t know what to do or say to make you trust me, even a little, again” he speaks and Magnus feels terribly bad. He is the worst person on this planet, as he made Alexander, that precious man, feel this way.

 _“I trust you, Alec. I swear to God, I trust you more than everyone else. I trust you going back to the institute and train, if that’s what you want. ”_ he wants to say but he doesn’t.  


“I wish I could try for us, as much as you do. But it’s impossible. You are always the one who seems to care, to express his feelings, to make the other one feel better. But I want you to know that I’m always here for you too. I always want to make you feel good but I fail badly. I always end up running away from you. Like I did today” Alec’s voice breaks.

Magnus' heart skips several beats and he knows that this man in front of him will drown in his own tears from minute to minute if he doesn’t say anything to comfort him. He can’t do this anymore. He wants to let him speak, to let him express whatever he wants to make himself feel better, _but_ _he can’t._

“Alec, look at me” Magnus recommends taking his cold hands in his. _He is trembling._

“You don’t fail at making me happy. You actually make me the happiest man in the world when you are around me, when you just look at me and smile, when you kiss or hug me. I know you are not the kind of person who expresses his feelings with words, but I don’t care. I never did. _My angel_ , all I care about is how you feel” he starts talking while Alec is barely breathing.

“And let me clarify this; I trust you, Alexander. I never stopped trusting you. It’s just— I don’t want you to get hurt again while I’m not there. I would never forgive myself if that happened again. I want you around not only for you to feel better having me here, but because I feel safe too. I feel safe, being with you. I can’t lose you, Alec— _I just can’t_ ” his voice breaks and now they’re both crying.

“And I can’t lose you Magnus. I’ll be here for as long as you want me” he tries to speak without letting out any sobs, but he fails.

Magnus wraps his arms around him, making all the weight on Alec’s shoulders leave him for a moment. Alec holds him tight, his arms squeezing his waist.

“If you want to get back to the institute, to train, to do archery or just stay away from me for a little while, I’m okay with it. As long as it’s what you want and need, this is what you are going to do” Magnus kisses Alec’s shoulder while they are both crying against each other.

“No, no, Magnus. This isn’t what I want.”

“I don’t want to stay away from you. I want to be with you, every day, to wake up and sleep next to you. It’s just— this is my work. I’m a shadowhunter and I have to get back to training eventually. I’m better anyway, the pain is getting better” he adds as he pulls away and Magnus just nods, wiping the tears off Alec’s face.

“I am _so_ _in love_ with you” Magnus says as he touches his cheek gently and Alec is sure right now; he _can’t_ breathe.

 _So in love with you_ ; it sounds weird to Alec even though his mind repeats it again and again.

Magnus has told him how much he loves him before and so have Alec. But neither of them has said these words. _I’m in love with you._

“I love you” is the only thing Alec says before he leans in pushing his lips against Magnus’ passionately. The kiss is sweet and gentle, full of love and care; something that they both needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know your thoughts!  
> 


End file.
